Shark Exorcist, or: The Power of Chum Compels You!

I imagine the meeting went something like this:

“Quick!  Name two of the best horror films ever made!”

“Well, there’s Jaws and, um, The Exorcist?

“Awesome!  So what if a shark got possessed?”

“Yeah!”

“And it should have boobs.”

“But what if kids want to watch?”

“Boobs in bikinis!”

“Hell yeah!”

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Shark Exorcist is a 2015 film directed by Donald Farmer who gave us An Erotic Vampire in Paris and Hooker With a Hacksaw.  Starring no one you’ve ever heard of, Shark Exorcist brings together a Z-list cast and potato-quality special effects.

She watched this movie.

This movie immediately forgets that being terrible is only one part of what makes B-movies great. Shark Exorcist isn’t funny.  Sharknado was funny.  Sharktopus was hilarious.  Even Jersey Shore Shark Attack made me snarf.  I want to give Shark Exorcist a fair shake so I’ll admit those B-grade shark movies had a budget and a few named actors.  Fine, I even enjoyed the approximately $12 production of Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You.  Also, some of the characters from the above movies were likeable and the stories are fun.  Remember all you wannabe movie makers out there: story and character are key even if your movie is B.

It all starts out with a (possessed?) nun who has already killed 13 kids then randomly kills another woman before tossing her in a lake called Paris Landing and asking “Lord Satan” to “send [her] an avenger!” At which point we cut to this:

How did the great white get in the lake?  Probably Satan.

Meanwhile, a group of girls goes to the lake, where one is attacked and then possessed by the possessed shark. I will admit some confusion because if the shark is still possessed and the girl is now possessed then who or what is possessing both of them?  Can Satan pull double-duty?  Is possession now transferred via shark saliva?  Also, how do we know the girl, Ali, is possessed?

This is how.

After Ali lures a boy to Paris Landing where he is consumed by the shark (in what is not one of the great shark attack scenes), we get to meet Father Michael, a priest who wears in ill-fitting Roman collar and crosses himself a lot so we know he’s definitely a priest.

I don’t know who these people are but they show up next:

I’m assuming witches.

There are various scenes of shark possession (out of the water) before this girl shows up for some reason and goes swimming with Ali.  Except she’s a dream!  I think.

I know, she’s the special effects team!

Fr. Mike somehow figures out Satan has come to Paris Landing and begins an investigation, concluding that Ali is possessed because she’s not eating and loves water.  I’m also guessing here because Fr. Mike doesn’t mention possession, demons, or Satan.

After a dialogue-free, action-free scene that stretches on for an excruciating five minutes, it’s time for Father Michael and Ali’s roommate to exorcise the demon!  Here the movie remembers that it’s supposed to be spoofing Jaws and The Exorcist so we have the pea soup barf, and, I wish I was kidding; “We’re gonna need a bigger cross.”

The King James version specifically mentions tiki torches as a must-have item for driving out Satan.

More stuff happens, including the demon shark descending from the sky. I’d normally be more specific than “stuff happens” but we’re never actually shown or even told what happens so stuff happens.

Finally, blessedly, with a few more deaths and a “Hail Satan!” for good measure, the movie draws to a close.  The demon shark is still out there eating people.  There’s still a few possessed people, and goddamnit no one performed an exorcism on a shark! I wanted to see an exorcism on a shark.

This movie totals two post-credit scenes, one of which is long and both of which are dialogue-free.  In the first, a girl does stuff with a plastic shark that makes everyone uncomfortable before spitting juice at the camera.  The second?  Well, I’d hate to spoil the ending and potential sequel for you all.

Farewell, flying demon-shark. You deserved a better movie.

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